"Make reservations just so they can tell you that you did not make a reservation."
"Don't forget to try the waitress and tip the crab Rangoon"
"Does every post office listen to classic rock?"
"They have a self service machine. It does not give stamps. Wtf"
"Worst airport wifi. Don't bother surfing the net for porn. Just use your imagination."
"The large gravy is just not large enough. Make sure to get two. You'll thank me for this advice"