Alan Ashcraft

"So many bruises on these chicks."

"This place is fucking awful. The K-Mart of comedy clubs. Every legitimate comedian performs at Helium, so get ready for some mind-blowing knock knock jokes."

"This place is basically just one big cigarette butt that features a water tower decorated by Vancouver's finest artists."

"From 2pm to 5:30pm the coolest security officer of all time can be seen protecting and serving the parking lots of this fine academic establishment."

"Get stoked on some subpar service!"